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I can't find the words. I just sit here and stare straight ahead. This isn't how it should be.
I want to tell you that I am rejoicing today. That I am celebrating her 3rd year in heaven and that I... but I can't. I can't say much of anything.
I want my daughter to know her and it grieves me that she cannot. I want ask her advice on where to go for a vacation before Beatrice is born, but she isn't here to share. I want to show her the crib and the baby clothes and the highchair, but she's not here to see.
I'm so sorry. This is not what I wanted today's post to be. I wanted it to be full of thankfulness. I wanted you to know how grateful I am for my Savior's unending mercies. And I am, oh I am.
I want to know how our relationship would have evolved; every relationship does. I want to know if I would be planning a home birth if she was here, or if I would have resisted in my stubbornness. Who would I be?
I feel strange today. Almost numb. I cry, I don't. I want to go back - or should I say, I want her back. I don't want to go back to the woman I was before. I just want her to see the woman I am now. Am I all she hoped I would be? Have I grown? Will I be a good mother? Oh the haunting questions with no answers. There will never be answers.
This first song is what I truly wanted to post today, perhaps they say it better than I do. I'm sorry for my lack of words.
And maybe even more importantly, I want you to know that, even in the midst of this sadness, I will praise Him still. He is faithful. I trust that He treasures my tears and that His heart breaks for my pain. As this second song states, "You can have all this world, but give me Jesus."
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Lauren, I'm so sorry for your pain. May Jesus continue to meet you in it.
ReplyDeleteWow. you've left me with a loss for words. hugs to you and beatrice. hugs to you as a mother and a friend and a sister in Christ. I know you will be a great mother. I can't say it will be a breeze but I know you will be great, because as you are already doing you are crying out to the one who saves. he will give you rest now just as he will as you raise your daughter. love you friend!
ReplyDeleteYou are everything and more than what she could have imagined.
ReplyDeleteI am touched by your honesty in the midst of pain. There is no doubt in my mind that your mother would be so, so proud of you, and the woman you are...and the mother you are to become. Beatrice is blessed already just to be born to parents like you and Adam.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing your lack of words, Lauren. I often think about the same questions about my dad. What would our relationship be like now? How much more would I have gotten to know him as an adult women? What questions would I now be bold enough to ask him? What kind of a grandfather would he have been?
ReplyDeleteI'm so thankful to be able to hang onto the promise of an eternity with no death. Yes! Give me Jesus!