Saturday, June 11, 2011

Where will the Journey of Motherhood take me?


This has been a trying week. I am tired, exhausted really. 

I feel as if I have entered a new world - as if real parenthood is beginning. I am watching my baby disappear.

Up to this point I have been feeding her, clothing her, loving her, praying over her, etc. But now I am beginning to see my daughter, my Beatrice emerge. This has brought insurmountable joy, but also a sense of sorrow. To realize that she is a sinner, as much as her Mommy and Daddy, is in the strangest way, heartbreaking. To understand that the default position of each of our hearts is to turn away from the very one who created us, deeply saddening.

Motherhood is beginning. I have been weighed down this week with a sense of urgency, and sense of heaviness as I ponder the role I find myself in. What does it mean to instil discipline in my little one? To train her to have self control, patience, kindness, etc? I read this quote recently and found it encouraging. "Discipline is not action taken in moments of correction but an ongoing relationship with... parent and child. Discipline is a process of training and learning that fosters moral development. It comes from the same word as disciple—one who is a learner." 

I think that defines the stage we are in right now; perhaps for the rest of my journey. We are learning, both Beatrice and I. I to be the parent, she to be the child.

The next few months promise to be challenging as I meet face to face with my daughter's emerging will. I pray, oh I pray, for wisdom, for patience, for gentleness, and above all, for an eternal perspective. 

Beatrice, I love you so my sweet little one. May you continue to bring joy to all you meet. May the Holy Spirit stir in your heart a deep longing for our Father even now as you sleep.


Here are a few photos from the last month or so, the moments are truly fleeting. 

At our first Tea Party in honor of the Royal Wedding.
It was very sunny, but she is still beautiful.
I love her furrowed brow. She has her daddy's expressive eyes.
Some apple on a hot day.
Her first time in a swing...
She loved it!
At the Strawberry Festival... kissing a calf. She adores animals.
Observing the chicks...


Friday, June 3, 2011

Joy through Spinach Basil Pesto with Garlic Tops

When we were first married I didn't know how to cook at all. I truly mean this. My mother tried for years to instruct, but in my pride, I wouldn't have it.

Over the past four years I have worked hard, with comical failures along the way, and now I can manage. I am so thankful for this. Many of you know how I love to share a meal with family and friends. I believe there is something about food that draws us together, begs us to linger, and soothes our frantic souls. Now that I am able to contribute to that aforementioned food, my joy has doubled.

This past week a dear friend held a birthday party, requesting her guests bring only wine and a favorite appetizer. This pesto is that. It's not always an appetizer, of course, but became one. And one of much talk; seeing as another dear friend had given us garlic tops the day before. You can read about garlic tops here. What fun that this simple food became a conduit of laughter and birthday happiness.


Thank you Kelly for the beautiful photo, now here is my simple version of this classic recipe...



Spinach Basil Pesto with Garlic Tops

Ingredients

  • 3 - 6 cups baby spinach leaves (depending on desired flavor)
  • 3/4 cup fresh basil leaves
  • 1/2 cup grated Parmesan cheese (freshly grated is best)
  • 2 tablespoons garlic tops, chopped (can substitute 4 cloves chopped garlic)
  • 3/4 teaspoon kosher salt
  • 1/2 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper
  • 1 tablespoon fresh lemon juice
  • 1/2 teaspoon lemon zest
  • 1/2 cup extra-virgin olive oil

Directions

  1. Blend 3 cups of the spinach along with basil, Parmesan cheese, garlic tops, salt, pepper, lemon juice, lemon zest, and 2 tablespoons olive oil in a food processor until nearly smooth, scraping the sides of the bowl with a spatula as necessary. Add the remaining spinach and drizzle the remaining olive oil into the mixture while processing until smooth.

Thursday, May 26, 2011

Voice: an instrument or medium of expression

I have been struggling to find my voice. My new voice. My voice as a Mother. I knew myself before. I had learnt of myself as a woman, as a daughter, as a friend, as a student  as a wife, as an expectant mother. But who am I now?

This world that I have entered into is beautiful, fascinating, overwhelming and frighting all at once. I feel so naive. So immature. How can I speak with any authority on anything? How did I speak before? I know so little. I am learning. Oh, I am learning so very much. But it all comes so quickly I feel there is hardly a moment to sit and write it down before I am learning something new and of much greater importance.


A mother. Me? A mother is one with wisdom, knowledge and understanding. A mother is one with experience and skill. The precious author, Mike Mason says, "If only I had understood that being a father is not something I needed to become but something I already was... Over time I could grow in maturity as a father, but I would never be more of a father than I was at the outset." I long to grasp this.

Motherhood didn't arrive gradually, like pregnancy. It didn't grow gently and predictably within a span of 40 weeks. No. It came all at once. In one fantastic moment the magnificent burden of motherhood was placed on my shoulders.


Shortly after my last post on Christmas Eve we came to the realization that Beatrice was small, too small. She spit up excessively, not painfully, and mostly with a smile on her face, but the first few months of this year were spent trying to determine the cause. This was so hard for me. My first true challenge in the role of "Mother" and I had no idea what I was doing. I wrestled with God, with all the advice I was given and with my own doubts and insecurities. I didn't feel I was in a place where writing here would benefit anyone.

Nothing at all was wrong with her. We began feeding her vegetables at 4 and 1/2 months. Which broke my heart (I had wanted to wait). But as a dear friend graciously reminded me, "it is not about my desires for her life, but God's." Once she began her solid foods of avocado and sweet potato, the breastmilk stayed down and she began to "look" healthy again. She is still small, but I am learning to smile when people comment on her size, knowing that this is how the Lord made her. She is my "little one".


But what I have struggled with is this. How do I share our struggles and trials without sounding like I ungrateful for what I have been given? And how do I rejoice in the small moments of joy Beatrice shares with us every day without sounding like I am full of pride. The internet can so quickly become a place of comparison, which many mothers (including myself) have said can be such a cause of grief and despair. Wouldn't it defeat the very meaning of my little one's life? She is my "bringer of joy", not sorrow.

So I will continue to struggle; for I have been granted that freedom.

I have not found my voice yet, no, but 4 years after my precious mother's entrance to heaven, I can tell you that I am more grateful than ever for her constant pursuit of wisdom and knowledge. She was not perfect, but she was my mother.


I have been pondering the following two sentences this morning as I seek to parent my every growing little one who will be 8 months tomorrow. I will leave you with them... what a glorious burden indeed. "There are certain virtues worth acquiring, such as kindness, goodness, gentleness, charity, honesty, honor, and respect. Since these qualities are not naturally found in a child's life, they must be instilled and nurtured into his or her heart." -Parenting Author

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