Goodbye May, Hello Planning

May is coming to an end tomorrow evening and I couldn't be more grateful. I am thankful every year for the lessons learned, but oh-so-glad to be through a month filled with painful memories. 

As the month of May has passed, this pregnancy has continued to progress. I'll be 23 weeks on Tuesday, which means it's time to stop dreaming and start acting. 

I am thrilled at the little details that are coming together, (I'll try to upload pictures soon), but I would love some assistance, once again, on some of the bigger items. 

My little Bea's bedding is serving as the "design focal point". I have narrowed down my paint colors to the ones below, and I would love your vote on the poll to the side. Keep in mind that computer colors can be funny. I did choose these colors in the store, so don't worry. (If you click on the image, you'll get a much larger version.)

The pink is thrown in there due to the slight whispers of pink throughout the pattern. If you look closely you'll see the pink in the pig and the stripes in the carousel awning...

Since the Topsy Turvy fabric could become overwhelming, I'd like to keep the glider rather neutral. With your help I believe we've settled on the Yellow Fallon Rug... that is, unless we stumble upon something better in person. Now, I'd appreciate your assistance again in helping me decide upon the upholstery for the glider Baby Beatrice and I will spend many a night in. Again, there's a poll on the right. 

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your votes, thoughts, comments, messages and loving words. Having so many share in the joys and sorrows of this journey has brought me so much happiness.

Death, be not proud

by John Donne
Death, be not proud, though some have called thee Mighty and dreadful, for thou are not so; For those whom thou think'st thou dost overthrow Die not, poor Death, nor yet canst thou kill me. From rest and sleep, which but thy pictures be, Much pleasure; then from thee much more must flow, And soonest our best men with thee do go, Rest of their bones, and soul's delivery. Thou'art slave to fate, chance, kings, and desperate men, And dost with poison, war, and sickness dwell, And poppy'or charms can make us sleep as well And better than thy stroke; why swell'st thou then? One short sleep past, we wake eternally, And death shall be no more; Death, thou shalt die.

My sweet mother asked for years that this poem be read at her memorial service. And so I did. 

She would recite it to herself, (and to us), in the car, at the dinner table, while teaching, gardening, and so much more. We'd ask her to stop, saying it was unnecessary and frightening. Besides, we wouldn't need to know what to recite at her memorial service for years to come... how foolish we were. 

What better words for her children to know? This is what she believed. Now I am able to see that she wanted us to understand that, to grasp it, to know. 

So, Death, I say to you today, on this new and fresh morning, "be not proud" for you, "shall be no more; Death, thou shalt die!"

I sent this song to my mother during her battle.. today I sing it victoriously. 

Beatrice, I pray that you too will know no fear of death. May you live triumphantly singing praises to the living God who rules by His word. Hallelujah!

I can't find the words.

I can't find the words. I just sit here and stare straight ahead. This isn't how it should be.

I want to tell you that I am rejoicing today. That I am celebrating her 3rd year in heaven and that I... but I can't. I can't say much of anything.

I want my daughter to know her and it grieves me that she cannot. I want ask her advice on where to go for a vacation before Beatrice is born, but she isn't here to share. I want to show her the crib and the baby clothes and the highchair, but she's not here to see.

I'm so sorry. This is not what I wanted today's post to be. I wanted it to be full of thankfulness. I wanted you to know how grateful I am for my Savior's unending mercies. And I am, oh I am.

I want to know how our relationship would have evolved; every relationship does. I want to know if I would be planning a home birth if she was here, or if I would have resisted in my stubbornness. Who would I be?

I feel strange today. Almost numb. I cry, I don't. I want to go back - or should I say, I want her back. I don't want to go back to the woman I was before. I just want her to see the woman I am now. Am I all she hoped I would be? Have I grown? Will I be a good mother? Oh the haunting questions with no answers. There will never be answers.

This first song is what I truly wanted to post today, perhaps they say it better than I do. I'm sorry for my lack of words.

And maybe even more importantly, I want you to know that, even in the midst of this sadness, I will praise Him still. He is faithful. I trust that He treasures my tears and that His heart breaks for my pain. As this second song states, "You can have all this world, but give me Jesus."

These are a few of my favorite things...

Cute wooden birdies and soft yellow teddies... these are a few of my favorite things!

Oh dear friends, thank you for rejoicing with me over the life of our sweet girl! I cannot tell you what a wonderful time I have had discovering little delights for our precious Beatrice. Here are a few of the items that make me smile.

(Bea's daddy bought her the little yellow skirt below as a surprise! All of the other joys are still on my wish list.)

While it's fun to dream about her playing with the xylophone, or watching that adorable mobile, I really must continue to develop her nursery. 

Things are coming along... her Javis Davis bedding came in last week! What a joyous day that was, I felt like a little girl on Christmas morning. I will post pictures as soon as I am able. 

Her crib was found second hand and her changing table was discovered downtown. Praise the Lord! We are still trying to locate the glider... at the moment I'm thinking textured, but the same "pistachio" blue as her sheets...

Today I stumbled upon these inspiring prints from Bee Lines Inspirations. Many of you have already taken to calling her "Bea", so I thought this was ever so clever, especially since she is our bringer of joy. 

We'll have to wait for a few more details, but I'm pretty sure that this rug is going to win! 

Thank you for sharing in this joy with me. I am forever grateful. 

It's May, It's May...

I knew May would be interesting. It always is.

All in one month we have our anniversary, my parent's anniversary, Mother's Day, mommy's earthly birthday, and then finally her heavenly birthday. Throw in the discovery of our precious Beatrice, reaching the halfway point of this pregnancy, and the beginning of full fledged wedding season and you have the makings of one eventful month.

As I write this I am sitting at a coffee shop in Corolla, NC while Adam photographs a wedding. I am blessed to have the company of our dear friend Chris, while his wife assists Adam through these few days.

Many thoughts and emotions have flown through me since our anniversary. I have never been so acutely aware of the presence and absence of life. Never so in-tune to a new life being knit in my womb and yet so conscience of the lack of my mother's presence. Never so expectant of that to come and regretful for that which has left.

In contrast as this pregnancy progresses I am discovering how many characteristics of my mother's graceful way of nurturing I am longing to emulate. I am finding myself engrossed in books she used to read, studying the same techniques she used, and wishing she was here to help. I feel so near to her heart, her passion, her pride, her children. I am understanding, in a way so many said I would, how dear to her I must have been. How precious. For the child in my womb, this beautiful baby girl, is already so loved, so cherished.

So, month of May, I will not be sad to see you go, but I am thankful for the lessons learned and the truths discovered.

Beatrice Elise - Behind the Name

My sweet girl; I pray such things for you. May you be a "bringer of joy" to all you meet. 

We have always adored the name Beatrice. Adam's grandmother bears the same name; and she has been most instrumental in his life, to honor her would bless us beyond measure. I also grew up reciting Shakespeare's Much Ado About Nothing with my dear friend, Brooke, and I have always admired the strength and poise of his Beatrice. 

Then came the trials, the dark days and nights... upon realization that we were expecting we revisited names with a desire for them to reflect our true gratification to our Lord and Savior for his mercy. We have been through so much and this child, this gift has truly brought us joy. 

As you might have read, the Lord drew me to 1 Samuel even before I knew of my pregnancy. Then after this miraculous discovery, I began to ask the Lord, as my mother had for each of her children, for a prayer for my child. I was again led to 1 Samuel. This child was given to God by his mother, and as a result grew up in a beautiful communing relationship with his Heavenly Father. In a time where the land was filled with darkness and not many were able to discern the Lord's voice - Samuel heard, and he followed. 

The prayer that the Lord has given me for Beatrice is as follows: that she might be sensitive to her Savior's voice and that she would always know His calling on her life. That she might not aimlessly strive for worldly success, but go forth confidently, aware of the gifts she has been given and using them to serve and glorify her Lord. That her life would be her Father's and that they would share a tender and sweet love. 

We have also wanted to acknowledge my dear mommy in some way in our daughter's name. The more we have pondered, the more it has been made clear, that we should select a name she chose for her own daughter. My middle name, Elise, she chose, and after re-reading its meaning, well, it's perfect.

The meaning of the name Beatrice is: Bringer Of Joy

The meaning of the name Elise is: Consecrated to God 

So my, Beatrice Elise, may your life be a reflection of your name. We love you. 

Here are a few photos Adam took to beautifully document 20 weeks of pregnancy. 

Our Third Anniversary... Through Adam's Lens

I am fortunate for many reasons to be married to my precious husband. He is a man earnestly seeking the heart of Christ, committed to growth in our marriage, he bears a tender and loving heart, he serves others as Christ would... and he is a true artist. There are times that I am awe struck at the simplistic beauty of the story he is able to tell through the lens of his camera. 

So, dear ones, here is the complete story of our third anniversary as seen through my husband's skilled eye. No words - for you will experience the true emotion, I am sure. 

Beatrice, may you know no day without beauty. I love you, my sweet girl. 

May Fourth Two-Thousand and Ten - Baby Barnes Revealed

This day, our anniversary, has been redeemed. And what a glorious day it has been. My husband said it best earlier this evening, "I wish we could repeat this day all over again." For those familiar with our story, this is a reason for rejoicing in and of itself! 

We have spent the day reveling in dreams of our child and celebrating this new season with friends and family. We have been surrounded by an outpouring of love, and we acknowledge with full hearts that we are truly blessed. 

I'll not hold you in suspense any longer, for I know the true reason most of you are reading this tonight. I'll write a more detailed story soon. 

Here is the short & sweet version. 

We arrived... full of expectation...

We thoroughly enjoyed every tiny moment of our hour long ultrasound, but most especially the words, 

Words cannot express our excitement, for this precious, "bringer of joy". Again, I'll write more on the meaning and significance of this name soon.

After leaving the hospital we spent lunch with my family and the afternoon marveling at all that God had done. 

To close this magnificent day we asked several dear friends to join us for a Cake & Coffee Celebration to reveal our secret. 

Adam had previously prepared two handmade cakes, one pink - one blue, frosting the outsides white. We reveled our baby's gender by slicing into the "pink" cake and serving a piece for all to see. 

The excitement was explosive! 

We asked if everyone would join us for a photo outside, and they kindly obliged. I am in love with the excitement in every smile. 

We might not have made it through the darkest of hours without the beautiful friends pictured above. So from the bottom of my heart I thank you. You have walked beside us when few would. We love you so. 

These photos are just a small sampling of those captured today. We were so grateful to have a dear friend, (or two), around to take the ones above, but Adam has had his camera as well all day, so I'll share a more complete story with you later. 

In closing I would love to share a verse that has been so dear to me, and which a precious friend framed for me tonight. 

"Oh, my lord! As you live, my lord, I am the woman who was standing here in your presence, praying to the Lord. For this child I prayed, and the Lord has granted me my petition that I made to him."

1 Samuel 1:26-27 

Praise the Lord for His redeeming power!

Something's Coming, Something Good, If I Can Wait...

Oh, goodness! I might burst from expectation.

I am marveling in the words of the hymn Praise to the Lord, the Almighty, originally written in 1680 by Joachim Neander. Yet, how prevelant these words are to my heart today. Here is a recording by the Passion Worship Band, that is on repeat as I write this.

The second verse, my favorite, states:

Praise to the Lord, who over all things so wondrously reigneth,

Shelters thee under His wings, yea, so gently sustaineth!

Hast thou not seen how thy desires ever have been

Granted in what He ordaineth?

I want to scream, "Yes, yes, I see!" He has sustained and He has so gently granted our desire for this precious baby! Hallelujah! 

And this final verse I just want to shout from the mountain tops:

Praise to the Lord, O let all that is in me adore Him!
All that hath life and breath, come now with praises before Him.
Let the Amen sound from His people again,
Gladly for aye we adore Him.


Tomorrow morning at 9am we will go in for our ultrasound. Up to this point we have not seen our baby, and the expectation is not unlike that of three years ago, as I anxiously awaited my marriage to my husband. I praise the Lord for him. Never would I have imagined the years that lay ahead. Never would I have asked for the pain and the trials, but in His sovereignty he has sustained us. He created the perfect mate for me, and for that I rejoice.


So, will we have a...

or a...

Oh, Lord, I pray only for a healthy baby. I pray that he or she would be sensitive to Your voice and obedient to Your call. May his or her life be filled with joy!


Here are some photos of my belly today at 18 & 1/2 weeks. I wanted to capture this day, the day before we knew anything more about this dear little one.

It has been such a joy to see your votes for boy or girl! The "poll" for Beatrice or Weston will close in the morning. Thank you for taking time to participate in our lives. We love you and thank the Lord for you.