Voice: an instrument or medium of expression

I have been struggling to find my voice. My new voice. My voice as a Mother. I knew myself before. I had learnt of myself as a woman, as a daughter, as a friend, as a student  as a wife, as an expectant mother. But who am I now?

This world that I have entered into is beautiful, fascinating, overwhelming and frighting all at once. I feel so naive. So immature. How can I speak with any authority on anything? How did I speak before? I know so little. I am learning. Oh, I am learning so very much. But it all comes so quickly I feel there is hardly a moment to sit and write it down before I am learning something new and of much greater importance.

A mother. Me? A mother is one with wisdom, knowledge and understanding. A mother is one with experience and skill. The precious author, Mike Mason says, "If only I had understood that being a father is not something I needed to become but something I already was... Over time I could grow in maturity as a father, but I would never be more of a father than I was at the outset." I long to grasp this.

Motherhood didn't arrive gradually, like pregnancy. It didn't grow gently and predictably within a span of 40 weeks. No. It came all at once. In one fantastic moment the magnificent burden of motherhood was placed on my shoulders.

Shortly after my last post on Christmas Eve we came to the realization that Beatrice was small, too small. She spit up excessively, not painfully, and mostly with a smile on her face, but the first few months of this year were spent trying to determine the cause. This was so hard for me. My first true challenge in the role of "Mother" and I had no idea what I was doing. I wrestled with God, with all the advice I was given and with my own doubts and insecurities. I didn't feel I was in a place where writing here would benefit anyone.

Nothing at all was wrong with her. We began feeding her vegetables at 4 and 1/2 months. Which broke my heart (I had wanted to wait). But as a dear friend graciously reminded me, "it is not about my desires for her life, but God's." Once she began her solid foods of avocado and sweet potato, the breastmilk stayed down and she began to "look" healthy again. She is still small, but I am learning to smile when people comment on her size, knowing that this is how the Lord made her. She is my "little one".

But what I have struggled with is this. How do I share our struggles and trials without sounding like I ungrateful for what I have been given? And how do I rejoice in the small moments of joy Beatrice shares with us every day without sounding like I am full of pride. The internet can so quickly become a place of comparison, which many mothers (including myself) have said can be such a cause of grief and despair. Wouldn't it defeat the very meaning of my little one's life? She is my "bringer of joy", not sorrow.

So I will continue to struggle; for I have been granted that freedom.

I have not found my voice yet, no, but 4 years after my precious mother's entrance to heaven, I can tell you that I am more grateful than ever for her constant pursuit of wisdom and knowledge. She was not perfect, but she was my mother.

I have been pondering the following two sentences this morning as I seek to parent my every growing little one who will be 8 months tomorrow. I will leave you with them... what a glorious burden indeed. "There are certain virtues worth acquiring, such as kindness, goodness, gentleness, charity, honesty, honor, and respect. Since these qualities are not naturally found in a child's life, they must be instilled and nurtured into his or her heart." -Parenting Author

Thoughts & Photos from Our First 3 Weeks

On Monday she will be 4 weeks old. My, what lessons I have learned in the first 3 weeks.

Week 1) His grace is sufficient.
              The love of friends is miraculous.
              In the darkness His truth shines the brightest.
              His mercies are new every morning.

Not many people talk about the hormonal ups and downs after birth. No matter how beautiful the delivery, hormones will still adjust and leave an emotional mother in their wake, thank you Leslie for preparing me.
Breastfeeding is beautiful, perfect and wonderful, but it still takes work - hard work. It is more than worth it, but it does not come without determination, and support. Thank you Laurie for your unending education and love.
Functioning on little sleep is almost comical. Eating is crucial, and remembering to nearly impossible. Laundry builds and houses get dirtier faster than ever before. Thank you Kelley for taking better care of the three of us than we ever deserved, we could not have made it without you.

As a new mother I learned more in a 24 hour period than I typically learned in a month. God was faithful to sustain through that first week. I could not have done it without my sisters in Christ who surrounded me, uplifted me, and labored for me. Thank you to each of you for your prayers, time, love, smiles, food, laughter, tea, phone calls, emails, etc. You were truly instruments of His grace.

Week 2) The deeper that I go in the valley, there His glory shines so bright.
               I am blessed with an amazing husband. He is bone of my bone and flesh of my flesh.
               My own expectations are my worst enemy.
               When friends tell me they take joy in service, I must trust them.

I expected too much of myself. I thought I would be "on top of things" by week two. I thought I could "do it on my own". I was wrong. I needed help. It was so hard to ask for, but the outpouring was beautiful. Through all of this I was reminded of my frailty and His power. I was humbled and encouraged. Without the darkness, I truly would not have seen the beauty that surrounds me.

Week 3) When I am weak, He is strong.
               All of creation declares His majesty.
               Joy comes in the morning.

The clouds will part and the sun will come out! The beautiful October weather, fresh air and sunshine did wonders for my soul. Walks and coffee are beautiful things, despite "blow-out" diapers and crazy spit-ups. We spent a lovely family day on Saturday the 16th having breakfast crepes at the Community Market and apple doughnuts at Morris Orchard. To me, it signaled the beginning to our new way of living. What craziness, what fun. God is so good.

I love these next photos with all my heart. Thank you Chris and Whitney.

A Glimpse of Her Birth...

These photos are like precious gems to me. They are all we have and I am glad. This birth was sacred to me and I couldn't be more thankful that my husband was by my side, and not behind the camera. 

I vaguely remember him capturing these first three photos as I neared the end of a contraction.

My dear Mauresa photographed these next two images. I love their dream-like quality. That's precious Barbie there in the first image, taking such beautiful care of me and Adam. In the second photo you'll see our silhouettes as I lean on my loving husband.

 Adam took these last photos are of our first latch. I love my little curly head girl, and the way my wedding band is slightly in focus. I cannot thank Laurie enough for her excellent coaching at this crucial point. This moment will be with me for ever and ever.