Voice: an instrument or medium of expression

I have been struggling to find my voice. My new voice. My voice as a Mother. I knew myself before. I had learnt of myself as a woman, as a daughter, as a friend, as a student  as a wife, as an expectant mother. But who am I now?

This world that I have entered into is beautiful, fascinating, overwhelming and frighting all at once. I feel so naive. So immature. How can I speak with any authority on anything? How did I speak before? I know so little. I am learning. Oh, I am learning so very much. But it all comes so quickly I feel there is hardly a moment to sit and write it down before I am learning something new and of much greater importance.

A mother. Me? A mother is one with wisdom, knowledge and understanding. A mother is one with experience and skill. The precious author, Mike Mason says, "If only I had understood that being a father is not something I needed to become but something I already was... Over time I could grow in maturity as a father, but I would never be more of a father than I was at the outset." I long to grasp this.

Motherhood didn't arrive gradually, like pregnancy. It didn't grow gently and predictably within a span of 40 weeks. No. It came all at once. In one fantastic moment the magnificent burden of motherhood was placed on my shoulders.

Shortly after my last post on Christmas Eve we came to the realization that Beatrice was small, too small. She spit up excessively, not painfully, and mostly with a smile on her face, but the first few months of this year were spent trying to determine the cause. This was so hard for me. My first true challenge in the role of "Mother" and I had no idea what I was doing. I wrestled with God, with all the advice I was given and with my own doubts and insecurities. I didn't feel I was in a place where writing here would benefit anyone.

Nothing at all was wrong with her. We began feeding her vegetables at 4 and 1/2 months. Which broke my heart (I had wanted to wait). But as a dear friend graciously reminded me, "it is not about my desires for her life, but God's." Once she began her solid foods of avocado and sweet potato, the breastmilk stayed down and she began to "look" healthy again. She is still small, but I am learning to smile when people comment on her size, knowing that this is how the Lord made her. She is my "little one".

But what I have struggled with is this. How do I share our struggles and trials without sounding like I ungrateful for what I have been given? And how do I rejoice in the small moments of joy Beatrice shares with us every day without sounding like I am full of pride. The internet can so quickly become a place of comparison, which many mothers (including myself) have said can be such a cause of grief and despair. Wouldn't it defeat the very meaning of my little one's life? She is my "bringer of joy", not sorrow.

So I will continue to struggle; for I have been granted that freedom.

I have not found my voice yet, no, but 4 years after my precious mother's entrance to heaven, I can tell you that I am more grateful than ever for her constant pursuit of wisdom and knowledge. She was not perfect, but she was my mother.

I have been pondering the following two sentences this morning as I seek to parent my every growing little one who will be 8 months tomorrow. I will leave you with them... what a glorious burden indeed. "There are certain virtues worth acquiring, such as kindness, goodness, gentleness, charity, honesty, honor, and respect. Since these qualities are not naturally found in a child's life, they must be instilled and nurtured into his or her heart." -Parenting Author

Preparing to become childlike...

As I near the end of this journey I feel less and less like I am preparing to become a mother and more and more like I am preparing to become childlike.

As Mike Mason says, "Being childlike involves mastering the art, not just of remembering, but of keeping the past so fresh it seems to be one with the present. Children have no past. For them there are no "good old days"; there are only good new days. When things have always been this way there is nothing to which to compare the present. There is no past, there is only now. And 'now is the time of God's favor, now is the day of salvation'" (2 Corinthians 6:2) 

I long to see this world for the first time, through her fresh eyes. Again, Mason says, "A baby is fallen and sinful, but she is also more innocent than her parents. Isn't this because babies have been with God more recently than we have? They have just come from beholding his face."Ah, what a glorious thought!

Oh, this is what I desire. To be taught by my daughter. To see her experience the beauty of this world for the first time, again and again with such delight, and yet to know so much more than I.

As we get closer and tasks are getting accomplished, I find myself caring less and less about the "things" to be done and more and more about preparing my heart for her.

So, yes, there will hopefully be a post this week with nursery updates, because it is truly transforming into a joyful yet peaceful sanctuary, and I want you to be able to share in our excitement! Our pastor once said that, "Joy is Peace Dancing & Peace is Joy Resting". This is exactly the type of room we have sought to create, and by the Lord's grace it is coming together.

I am feeling wonderful. Beatrice is growing and growing and I couldn't be more grateful. Her body is almost completely distinguishable from the outside, which is thrilling and comical at the same time.

I told someone today that I am so curious to know her story, or at least it's beginning. The preparations are almost complete, and so now my darling girl, it's up to you. We can't wait to meet you and watch as the Lord writes the story of your life.

My Beatrice, we continue to pray that you will always be sensitive to the Holy Spirit and that you will hear his voice. That you will be confident in the Lord's calling and that you will truly bring joy to all you meet.

I also hope to do one post on our beautiful trip to New York several weeks ago. But here is one photo Adam took for her nursery while we were there... 

Photos at 36 Weeks...

"On our own we are nothing; all light shines through relationships. We cannot obey Jesus' word to be come childlike without loving an actual child. He or she will be our guide into this forgotten land."

Mike Mason - "The Mystery of Children"

Fears and Revelations...

I have a confession...

I haven't written because I've been afraid of my own expectations... that each blog post must surpass the last. (Which might be physically impossible after my father's letter.) That I must be thoughtful, and reflective. That I should only write if I have something worth saying and the time with which to say it poignantly.

Well, I no longer have the time or the energy, and evidently this has been the week where I have discovered that my expectations are unreasonably high.

Time has flown by. Simply flown.

There is so much I had "wanted" to do, so many tasks "to complete before the baby". And now I find myself just wanting to ponder her impending arrival. To sit and feel her move within me and imagine her little heels and bottom as they shove against me.

She is coming... and quite honestly, she doesn't need anything but Adam and I. So why is it that I want to have so much accomplished? Why am I fixating on the tiniest details? Why am I so concerned with remembering something after the fact?

These days are so precious. So limited. Why am I spending them consumed with fears? Has not the Lord promised to provide? Shouldn't I be living these days, these last days, in joyful expectation?

No, the nursery has not progressed... the walls have been painted and that is all. The to-do list remains incomplete. The books have not all been read. But my child, my sweet Beatrice, is growing beautifully. I have been granted good health by my heavenly Father. And I am surrounded by phenomenal support.

Rather than ponder all that has yet to be done, may I instead reflect on this quote by Mike Mason, author of "The Mystery of Children":

"A child is a revelation from God. Prophets receive visions, mystics ponder the ineffable, great preachers deliver God's word. but the greatest revelation comes through flesh and blood. Every child is fresh, unheard-of image of God, and children keep coming and coming because the world has not yet conceived of all the fullness of God's glory."

Amen and Amen!