A Glimpse of Her Birth...

These photos are like precious gems to me. They are all we have and I am glad. This birth was sacred to me and I couldn't be more thankful that my husband was by my side, and not behind the camera. 

I vaguely remember him capturing these first three photos as I neared the end of a contraction.

My dear Mauresa photographed these next two images. I love their dream-like quality. That's precious Barbie there in the first image, taking such beautiful care of me and Adam. In the second photo you'll see our silhouettes as I lean on my loving husband.

 Adam took these last photos are of our first latch. I love my little curly head girl, and the way my wedding band is slightly in focus. I cannot thank Laurie enough for her excellent coaching at this crucial point. This moment will be with me for ever and ever.

I can't find the words.

I can't find the words. I just sit here and stare straight ahead. This isn't how it should be.

I want to tell you that I am rejoicing today. That I am celebrating her 3rd year in heaven and that I... but I can't. I can't say much of anything.

I want my daughter to know her and it grieves me that she cannot. I want ask her advice on where to go for a vacation before Beatrice is born, but she isn't here to share. I want to show her the crib and the baby clothes and the highchair, but she's not here to see.

I'm so sorry. This is not what I wanted today's post to be. I wanted it to be full of thankfulness. I wanted you to know how grateful I am for my Savior's unending mercies. And I am, oh I am.

I want to know how our relationship would have evolved; every relationship does. I want to know if I would be planning a home birth if she was here, or if I would have resisted in my stubbornness. Who would I be?

I feel strange today. Almost numb. I cry, I don't. I want to go back - or should I say, I want her back. I don't want to go back to the woman I was before. I just want her to see the woman I am now. Am I all she hoped I would be? Have I grown? Will I be a good mother? Oh the haunting questions with no answers. There will never be answers.

This first song is what I truly wanted to post today, perhaps they say it better than I do. I'm sorry for my lack of words.

And maybe even more importantly, I want you to know that, even in the midst of this sadness, I will praise Him still. He is faithful. I trust that He treasures my tears and that His heart breaks for my pain. As this second song states, "You can have all this world, but give me Jesus."