Where will the Journey of Motherhood take me?

"Where will the Journey of Motherhood take you and what will the name Mom come to mean to your children?" 

This has been a trying week. I am tired, exhausted really. 

I feel as if I have entered a new world - as if real parenthood is beginning. I am watching my baby disappear.

Up to this point I have been feeding her, clothing her, loving her, praying over her, etc. But now I am beginning to see my daughter, my Beatrice emerge. This has brought insurmountable joy, but also a sense of sorrow. To realize that she is a sinner, as much as her Mommy and Daddy, is in the strangest way, heartbreaking. To understand that the default position of each of our hearts is to turn away from the very one who created us, deeply saddening.

Motherhood is beginning. I have been weighed down this week with a sense of urgency, and sense of heaviness as I ponder the role I find myself in. What does it mean to instil discipline in my little one? To train her to have self control, patience, kindness, etc? I read this quote recently and found it encouraging. "Discipline is not action taken in moments of correction but an ongoing relationship with... parent and child. Discipline is a process of training and learning that fosters moral development. It comes from the same word as disciple—one who is a learner." 

I think that defines the stage we are in right now; perhaps for the rest of my journey. We are learning, both Beatrice and I. I to be the parent, she to be the child.

The next few months promise to be challenging as I meet face to face with my daughter's emerging will. I pray, oh I pray, for wisdom, for patience, for gentleness, and above all, for an eternal perspective. 

Beatrice, I love you so my sweet little one. May you continue to bring joy to all you meet. May the Holy Spirit stir in your heart a deep longing for our Father even now as you sleep.

Isn't this a beautiful thought... "The home environment that has a mother preoccupied with heaven as much as earth, is a Mom destined to shape kingdoms."

Here are a few photos from the last month or so, the moments are truly fleeting. 

At our first Tea Party in honor of the Royal Wedding.

It was very sunny, but she is still beautiful.

I love her furrowed brow. She has her daddy's expressive eyes.

Some apple on a hot day.

Her first time in a swing...

She loved it!

At the Strawberry Festival... kissing a calf. She adores animals.

Observing the chicks...

May Fourth Two-Thousand and Ten - Baby Barnes Revealed

This day, our anniversary, has been redeemed. And what a glorious day it has been. My husband said it best earlier this evening, "I wish we could repeat this day all over again." For those familiar with our story, this is a reason for rejoicing in and of itself! 

We have spent the day reveling in dreams of our child and celebrating this new season with friends and family. We have been surrounded by an outpouring of love, and we acknowledge with full hearts that we are truly blessed. 

I'll not hold you in suspense any longer, for I know the true reason most of you are reading this tonight. I'll write a more detailed story soon. 

Here is the short & sweet version. 

We arrived... full of expectation...

We thoroughly enjoyed every tiny moment of our hour long ultrasound, but most especially the words, 

Words cannot express our excitement, for this precious, "bringer of joy". Again, I'll write more on the meaning and significance of this name soon.

After leaving the hospital we spent lunch with my family and the afternoon marveling at all that God had done. 

To close this magnificent day we asked several dear friends to join us for a Cake & Coffee Celebration to reveal our secret. 

Adam had previously prepared two handmade cakes, one pink - one blue, frosting the outsides white. We reveled our baby's gender by slicing into the "pink" cake and serving a piece for all to see. 

The excitement was explosive! 

We asked if everyone would join us for a photo outside, and they kindly obliged. I am in love with the excitement in every smile. 

We might not have made it through the darkest of hours without the beautiful friends pictured above. So from the bottom of my heart I thank you. You have walked beside us when few would. We love you so. 

These photos are just a small sampling of those captured today. We were so grateful to have a dear friend, (or two), around to take the ones above, but Adam has had his camera as well all day, so I'll share a more complete story with you later. 

In closing I would love to share a verse that has been so dear to me, and which a precious friend framed for me tonight. 

"Oh, my lord! As you live, my lord, I am the woman who was standing here in your presence, praying to the Lord. For this child I prayed, and the Lord has granted me my petition that I made to him."

1 Samuel 1:26-27 

Praise the Lord for His redeeming power!

Something's Coming, Something Good, If I Can Wait...

Oh, goodness! I might burst from expectation.

I am marveling in the words of the hymn Praise to the Lord, the Almighty, originally written in 1680 by Joachim Neander. Yet, how prevelant these words are to my heart today. Here is a recording by the Passion Worship Band, that is on repeat as I write this.

The second verse, my favorite, states:

Praise to the Lord, who over all things so wondrously reigneth,

Shelters thee under His wings, yea, so gently sustaineth!

Hast thou not seen how thy desires ever have been

Granted in what He ordaineth?

I want to scream, "Yes, yes, I see!" He has sustained and He has so gently granted our desire for this precious baby! Hallelujah! 

And this final verse I just want to shout from the mountain tops:

Praise to the Lord, O let all that is in me adore Him!
All that hath life and breath, come now with praises before Him.
Let the Amen sound from His people again,
Gladly for aye we adore Him.


Tomorrow morning at 9am we will go in for our ultrasound. Up to this point we have not seen our baby, and the expectation is not unlike that of three years ago, as I anxiously awaited my marriage to my husband. I praise the Lord for him. Never would I have imagined the years that lay ahead. Never would I have asked for the pain and the trials, but in His sovereignty he has sustained us. He created the perfect mate for me, and for that I rejoice.


So, will we have a...

or a...

Oh, Lord, I pray only for a healthy baby. I pray that he or she would be sensitive to Your voice and obedient to Your call. May his or her life be filled with joy!


Here are some photos of my belly today at 18 & 1/2 weeks. I wanted to capture this day, the day before we knew anything more about this dear little one.

It has been such a joy to see your votes for boy or girl! The "poll" for Beatrice or Weston will close in the morning. Thank you for taking time to participate in our lives. We love you and thank the Lord for you.

...and the Lord remembered her.

The Morning of January 22, 2010

On this day, God has tempered judgment with mercy.

It is the year of living hope, of change, of open arms. These are words spoken to me by dear friends, family and our heavenly father.

Since our hurried wedding and the subsequent death of my mother in May of 2007 Adam and I have wandered through many a wilderness, and I am sure there will be more, yet God has sustained us. We have been through dark depressions and struggled with the validity of our faith, yet He has sustained us. When it couldn’t get worse - it did, and He sustained us.

Roughly two years ago we began to try for the children we had both always desired. Month after month passed resulting in broken hearts and severed dreams. In Christ’s sovereignty we watched as our lives continued to unravel and we were able to praise Him for withholding from us until He so ordained.

As the year 2009 drew to a close I began to pray that it would also be the end to so much pain. It had been my personal year of grieving; as I walked side by side with a counselor through the death of my mother, morning each anniversary, each miserable holiday, and all the moments in-between. As I journeyed through these dark places, Adam struggled though many other trials on his own. I was more than ready to say goodbye to the grief and hello to the fullness of life I have been promised in my Savior.

As January dawned I was filled with a living hope I had never before experienced. I was drawn to the story in scripture of Hannah in 1st Samuel. I was struck by her pain and longing as she cried out to her Lord for a child; her grief was so immense that she was thought drunk and insane. I began putting my request before the Lord in a new and different way, inspired by the passion and fervency of Hannah.

…and the Lord remembered her. 1 Samuel 1:19

The start to my menstrual cycle began to draw near, and so did my gracious Lord. With each day of waiting my hope and trust grew. Then in the early hours of January 22nd I took a home pregnancy test. I had taken many before that had resulted in tears and sorrow, so after the recommended two minutes and the tiny digital words, “pregnant”, I felt the heavens exploding.

The tears and the joy were plentiful that day and the days that followed. We cried with dear friends and family who knew all too well that my precious mother is rejoicing with us in paradise.

I write this story to hopefully encourage the brokenhearted and share with you who do not know me well the graciousness of our living Savior Jesus Christ. The battles are not over. We are not through the wilderness, yet He has sustained us. To Him be the glory forever and ever. AMEN.