Mother's Day...

It comes every year, this day. Every year I think it won't hurt. Every year I'm wrong. 

"You can't see anything properly while your eyes are blurred with tears." 
― C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed

This year I weep for new reasons. I weep for the woman I am becoming that my mother never knew. I am learning, I am breaking, I am changing... She prayed for this, she longed for it. I weep as I come to know more of motherhood, I come to know more of her love for me. Her unbelievable love for me that I could not have fathomed until now. 


Will this day ever not hurt? I think not. For as I clutch my baby girl, I cannot help but think of how she must have held me so. And it's too late, too late to tell her, "thank you." 


I know I am surrounded by women aching as I... my dearest Kelley, this precious sister, and so many, many others. They understand. We are motherless daughters. 


“I thought I could describe a state; make a map of sorrow. Sorrow, however, turns out to be not a state but a process.” 

― C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed

I believe it's alright to still grieve. To groan for heaven. To wish I could have her back. 


You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book. ~Psalm 56:8

“When I lay these questions before God I get no answer. But a rather special sort of ‘No answer.’ It is not the locked door. It is more like a silent, certainly not uncompassionate, gaze. As though He shook His head not in refusal but waiving the question. Like, ‘Peace, child; you don’t understand.’”

― C.S. Lewis, A Grief ObservedI think she'd be so proud. I think she would love you, my precious friends... and how she'd love your babies. She'd love them all. I know she would love the Cafe, its mission and the exciting things on the horizon. She'd love the desires that are growing in my heart that I never knew were there. 

She'd be so proud of my siblings, their growth, graduations, lessons learned, performances, challenges, business accomplishments, auditions, & stumbles... So much is because of her. We all "rise up and call her blessed."


Yet, I acknowledge - this breaking, this learning, these knew passions - might all in fact be due to her absence. Due to the Lord's gentle and constant love, His all knowing and beautiful care of me.


My little one, bringing joy to all she meets...

Where will the Journey of Motherhood take me?

"Where will the Journey of Motherhood take you and what will the name Mom come to mean to your children?" 

This has been a trying week. I am tired, exhausted really. 

I feel as if I have entered a new world - as if real parenthood is beginning. I am watching my baby disappear.

Up to this point I have been feeding her, clothing her, loving her, praying over her, etc. But now I am beginning to see my daughter, my Beatrice emerge. This has brought insurmountable joy, but also a sense of sorrow. To realize that she is a sinner, as much as her Mommy and Daddy, is in the strangest way, heartbreaking. To understand that the default position of each of our hearts is to turn away from the very one who created us, deeply saddening.

Motherhood is beginning. I have been weighed down this week with a sense of urgency, and sense of heaviness as I ponder the role I find myself in. What does it mean to instil discipline in my little one? To train her to have self control, patience, kindness, etc? I read this quote recently and found it encouraging. "Discipline is not action taken in moments of correction but an ongoing relationship with... parent and child. Discipline is a process of training and learning that fosters moral development. It comes from the same word as disciple—one who is a learner." 

I think that defines the stage we are in right now; perhaps for the rest of my journey. We are learning, both Beatrice and I. I to be the parent, she to be the child.

The next few months promise to be challenging as I meet face to face with my daughter's emerging will. I pray, oh I pray, for wisdom, for patience, for gentleness, and above all, for an eternal perspective. 

Beatrice, I love you so my sweet little one. May you continue to bring joy to all you meet. May the Holy Spirit stir in your heart a deep longing for our Father even now as you sleep.

Isn't this a beautiful thought... "The home environment that has a mother preoccupied with heaven as much as earth, is a Mom destined to shape kingdoms."

Here are a few photos from the last month or so, the moments are truly fleeting. 

At our first Tea Party in honor of the Royal Wedding.

It was very sunny, but she is still beautiful.

I love her furrowed brow. She has her daddy's expressive eyes.

Some apple on a hot day.

Her first time in a swing...

She loved it!

At the Strawberry Festival... kissing a calf. She adores animals.

Observing the chicks...